Is it a mother's curse or God teaching us a lesson?

I am sure every parent has heard this phrase when they were a child from a parent: "One of these days you are going to have a child just like you."  Until I had a child of my own, I thought my mom was only kidding with me. Now I am dealing with it full force with my five year old spunky child. During a recent conversation with my mother, I begged and pleaded with her to remove this curse. She couldn't help but laugh and promptly stated that there is no curse. This lead me to wonder Is it a mother's curse or God teaching me a lesson?

All joking a side, I know that my spunky five year old, along will all of my children, that God, in His own way, is trying to teach me a lesson. I know that I am not Biblical smart by any means and I am far from perfect as a father or husband but I try my best.

The Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:6 " in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love." So I thought that I would break each portion of this verse down a little in hopes of identifying the ways that best describe my spunky little girl and what God is teaching me.

"In purity": my spunky little girl can be a pure terror when it comes to things. But is that what it really means. Not hardly! She is doing what is pure and natural to her. It is my job as a parent to teach her the right and wrong ways to do things. That is the job that God has intended me to do when he put this little girl in my life.

"In knowledge": She craves knowledge and it is again my job to teach her. If I don't teach her, someone else will. And that goes for all five of my children when it comes to knowledge. If I do not teach them the right way of life, someone else will teach them and it just maybe the wrong way of life. Not everyone in society looks at views the same way. In fact, we are open to our own interpretation and views. My view may not be the same as yours. I simply want to give them the best knowledge I have based on my own experiences with the hopes that they do not make the same mistakes I made.

"In patience": This is one that I lack a LOT of and need to have a LOT more of. Maybe that is one thing that God is trying to teach me is that I need to be patient with my children and looking at them as a blessing from God. My children know that I love them with all of my heart and soul. They know that I want what is best for them. In turn, their job it to seek out my knowledge and wisdom but at the same time to see how far they can push my limits. It is kind of their test and sometimes I think I fail more than pass.  They see it as their job to help God to teach me some patience.

"In kindness": One of things that we learn growing up is that we should be kind to each other. I think the most important thing that I can teach my kids would be to treat people how you want to be treated. If you don't want to be treated with harshness, don't treat someone that way. I know that this is a struggle for every child to understand and especially with my oldest girl. When I see her harshness, I remind her of how she felt when she was in public school and she felt that she was being bullied. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling. Sometimes that reminder puts her back on the straight and narrow.

"In the Holy Spirit": I need to teach my children to love God more than anything else in the world. I remember a Bill Cosby comment during one of his stand-up routines that went something like this:"I brought you into this world and I can take you right back out." I heard this when I was a child and feared that if I got too far out of line that I would be gone. This was just a naive attempt to get a child to behave. When it is all said and done, God has brought us into this world for His purpose and it is our job as parents to help nurture that through loving guidance and prayer. 

"In genuine love": We can't teach our children to love someone without teaching them a genuine love for God first. True happiness does not come without that love for God and that is what I want for all my children especially my girls. One of my girls is getting to the age of showing interest in boys. A time that I am dreading but I know I cannot control. I know that I must do what I can to teach her that God must be first and foremost in her life and that God will lead the right man into her life. That is what I want for each of my girls. And I know that my son is to love God just as much and that he seeks out the right woman through God.

As I mentioned, I am not Biblical smart by any means but I am smart enough to know that I need to seek His love and guidance just as I must lead my family and teach my children. Through all these trials and tribulations, I have learned that each one of my children are God's children but they are also God's way of teaching me a lesson. Are you ready to starting learning? Just remember, you may be getting more than you bargained for but what I have learned so far has made the journey well worth it.

To have a pity party or not have a pity party???

As my wife continues to work her way through Made to Crave, I have found another opportunity to post something to what is being discussed. I hope this helps shed some light on how we need to give up control.

In 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (NASB) says "And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

We are all faced with various situations that attempt to make or break our spiritual well-being daily. How we face those challenges can develop our character! If it were five or six years ago, I would be having my own little pity party based on my most recent situation. Instead, I choose to take action and get the job done! Here is where I am going to do my best to show my resolve without divulging too many details.

I am in a career field that requires spur of the moment decision making and adapting to various situations. Because of this, I am required to rely on different divisions within my department and when something slips through the cracks, I have to be able to accept what happened and move on.  As a result of a situation that started at the beginning of the week, I was required to travel the next day (Tuesday) 3 hours from home to make a pickup and transport back to my county. Approximately 30 minutes from my destination, I received a telephone call and advised that I may be picking up one more package. When I arrived at my destination I received another call advising that I was in fact picking up another and having to make the transport back to my county. The first thing I am thinking is that I am not going to make it back home before the winter storm that is starting to work its way through North Carolina hits.

As we were leaving, I noticed small snowflakes starting to fall. Hit the road now John or your going to be stranded on the highway for who knows how long. The first two hours of what should be a three hour trip back were uneventful. About that time is when I called to check into the office and was told the office was closing due to weather conditions. The first thing I realized is that I am going to drive into this storm and be stuck out on the road in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say, I had a six hour trip turn into 13 grueling hours but the job was completed and my bosses were happy.

Raleigh snow photo goes viral

When it is all said and done, we can throw that pity party or look at what we are suppose to learn from it. I am sure many of you have seen the photo (both the original and those that have had various editing done). How is my situation any worse that what others endured on the afternoon of February 12, 2014 or the situation several weeks ago in Atlanta, GA? Am I any better that the other people that were out there? In part it comes down to what we learn from the situation! Take for example this Atlanta, GA situation:

Chick Fil A story

There are many untold stories that go with what happens during snow storms. The Chick Fil A story shows how people went from the possible pity party into acts of kindness. There were many acts of kindness that will go untold for whatever reason.

Yesterday, I could have thrown that pity party and given into what was happening. However, God was trying to teach me something. He wanted me to surrender to the situation and trust that He will get me through it. He wanted me to release control and let Him have it. It is not easy! We have control issues and when we cannot control our own situation, we take a step back and have that pity party. We look at things as if everyone is out to get us.

Lysa Terkeurst said "I am made for more, I am made for victory." Hearing this makes even more sense to me especially in my recent situation. To have a pity party would only give into Satan's grasp and allow him control of the situation. To not have a pity party allows God to have control and allows us to learn what He wants to teach us.


Hearing 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 allows me to understand even more that I need to surrender each and every situation to Him and not allow Satan in. Do I have that pity party (letting Satan in and feeling sorry for my situation) or not having a pity party (Let God in and trust his plan for me)? 

Handguns and small children

This morning my wife shared a story with me and after reading it I felt the need to express my thoughts on the matter. It is an on-going debate over the ownership of guns in the home and in particular homes that have children.

Parenting Advice Columnist

All too often, we hear about a young child being injured or losing their life as a result of being shot. In the story linked above, the shooting victim is 17 months old and the shooter is only 3 years old. It is hard to believe that it could happen but it did. Although she was not seriously hurt, the article did bring up the intriguing thought that "guns in the house and small children don't mix".

And thus, I add my thoughts on the matter. As someone that has a career in Law Enforcement, I am issued a handgun for the purpose of performing my daily duties. That weapon comes home with me every night after work and leaves with me every morning when I go to work. That is a part of my safety package in my career field. And I have been properly trained on what I need to do with that weapon. Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying this gentlemen did not know what he was doing with that weapon. I am not saying that at all! And there is the old saying that accidents even happen with the over confidence of some firearms experts.

Here is what I am saying, you can have a mix of guns in the home and small children if it is done correctly. I have five children in my home from age 1 to 11 and from the time in which I started my career, I have made it perfectly clear to each of them that when I come home from work what is expected. The expectation is that daddy needs 5 minutes to take all of his equipment and properly secure his handgun for the night. My children have already learned from me that my handgun is not a toy and should be treated as a dangerous weapon. They know that they are NOT to touch it! And the only time in which they see my handgun is after I have pulled it out of my lock-box and have placed it into my holster. Aside from that, they do not see my handgun and it is properly locked inside a lock-box and out of their reach.

So yes, you can have a mix of guns in a home with small children so long as you take the steps to ensure the safety of the children and teach them at an early age what to do when they come across a hand-gun. Education is IMPORTANT! My 5 year old makes it a point to keep our 1 year old out of daddy's way so that he can make his handgun safe before letting her interact with daddy.

How can the journey of grief impact us?

When we are hit with a loss of a loved one or even a job we ask ourselves, where is God in all of this? During my second week in the TCC Grief Share program, I wondered if it was alright to question God. You see, I was a new believer just learning to trust Him and was not sure if it was permissible to question things that He has control over. What I learned is that it is okay to question God to see what we are suppose to learn from our grief. So if you are unsure just ask! He will answer!

I did not have God to help me work through my pain and I did not see what He had planned for me. During this session of TCC Grief Share, I had a revelation or as Oprah Winfrey would say an "Aha" moment. What I did not see through all this grief that built up was who God had put in my mother's life a few years later. I did not see that He was putting my mother with someone that can guide her to a spiritual need that she needed in her life. I didn't want to see it because I, like many people, can never see a parent with someone else than the other parent.

That night, I opened myself up to something new and made some changes to accept my step-father for who he was. It was something I needed to do because for the first few years of my relationship with him was built on some hostility followed by little trust with who he was. I took the opportunity to express that in a letter to both my mom and step-father that I know caught them off guard. In the end, I think I gained their respect and I gained a new perspective on my life and relationship with them.

Something to consider as your working through your grief journey is what are you willing to open yourself to? Are you going to look at the total picture of what God wants you to see or are you going to put blinders on? In time it will get easier to cope with the loss. Just be willing and open to what you are about to learn.

Crazy Mode Be Gone

In Lysa TerKeurst book, Made to Crave, she talks about struggling with a flawed perception of herself. She says, "My sense of identity and worth were dependent on the wrong things- my circumstances or my weight or whether I yelled at my kids that day or what other people thought of me. If I sensed I wasn't measuring up, I kicked into either withdrawal mode or fix-it mode. Withdrawal mode made me pull back from relationships, fearing others' judgements. I built walls around my heart to keep people at a distance. Fix-it mode made me over-analyze other people's every word and expression..." It's like she was writing about me. I do exactly that. I either withdraw to protect my feelings or try to fix myself to please others. People, this is crazy mode! And I can promise you it has caused me greater pain rather than protecting me like I hoped. I found in my crazy mode that I created distance from the people who God had given to support and encourage me. If I had only spoken up about how I was struggling instead of pulling away. I would also try to fix myself to fit what others thought I should be and in the process I would end up losing sight of what God was helping me become.

Now when I face a situation that could send me into crazy mode, I have to ask myself "What would be pleasing to God?". And if I can't answer that question, then I go to His Word and look for it. We are so blessed to have the Living Words of the Bible to be a guide. God has a purpose for each of us and that purpose is lost in crazy mode.

I will go before you

and will level the mountains ;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name. 

Isaiah 45:2-3

How do we live with Grief?

When I first started attending grief share at TCC I often wondered what fueled my grief? And what fueled it was my anger! I was angry that my father was not around to see my children and be a part of their lives. And I continued to let that anger grow. And I did not look at the whole picture.

Because of all that transpired with my father's death, I did not grieve and simply went into take charge mode (as I mentioned in an early post). I placed all the burden on my shoulders and did not allow others into help me along the way. It was this burden that did not allow me to see God's purpose for me and what I needed to learn from this.

Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." This is so true as long as you open yourself up and allow yourself to mourn. Others will be there to comfort you and guide you through this tough time. Just simply allow yourself to mourn the loss of a loved one. What is funny about this is that it took me over 20 years to learn what God wanted me to learn from my father's death. Don't make the same mistake I made by not allowing others in to help you during your time of mourning. I know that in time, I will mourn again. I know in time, that my wife and children will have to mourn the loss of someone close to them. I want to be there for them and help guide them along the way. This is what I hope and pray that I can do through God's help.

My Identity in Christ

I’ve had Lysa Terkeurst book Made to Crave sitting around for a while now.  I’ve been meaning to read it. But when Proverbs 31 announced they were doing a Made to Crave online bible study, I knew it was God working through these women to give me the push I had been needing.

We are nearing the end of week 2 and working through Chapter 5, where the book is, yet again, challenging me to look at the false statements I use to identify myself.

Catherine, the girl who never made the choices that would make her parents proud.

Catherine, the girl who wasn’t good in school like her sister.

Catherine, the girl who always seemed to get in trouble.

Catherine, the girl who was young and married the bad boy.

Catherine, the girl who had babies young and thought that would help the bad boy grow up with her.

Catherine, the girl who was foolish enough to think the bad boy would take care of her and never leave her.

Catherine, the girl who never planned or prepared for her future and had no way to support her kids.

Catherine, the girl who lost all the weight and gained it back.

Catherine, the girl who is foolish enough to get married again and think it will be easier this time.

Catherine, the girl who has too many kids and will never be a good enough mom.

Some of these I have kept buried deep and it’s like undergoing surgery to expose them and remove these cancers that have taken up residence in me and grown too big. So big they have crowded out what God says about me.  It’s time to remove these false statements from my soul and replace them with Truth. God’s truth! 

I am the forgiven child of God (Romans 3:24). God knows every sin I have ever committed and yet he has forgiven them all. 

I am the accepted child of God (1 Corinthians 1:2). He knows all my mess ups and knows all the mess ups yet to come but He still accepts me as His child.

I am the loved child of God (Ephesians 1:4). God gives me unconditional love that does not change based on how badly I react to my circumstances and He gives me that love knowing that I will never be able to return that same love.

I am the close child of God (Ephesians 2:13). God is always pursuing me. Drawing me closer!  He is never far away and ever by my side. 

I am the victorious child of God (Romans 8:37). With Christ I can face any trial or struggle.  And no trial or struggle will ever separate me from the love of God.

When I remove these false identity statements and replace them with God’s amazing truth I know I have what I need to overcome my circumstances. And with God’s grace and guidance I will. 

I am more than my current situation. I am a child of God and he has a purpose for my life. I can’t allow my current struggle to keep me away from that purpose. I am Made for More.

Dealing with Grief

What I am about to share is something that I have not shared except with those within my family and church community. It is something that I have talked about as little as possible or with very little detail about how I dealt with grief. However, there comes a time when you have to come out of your shell a little more and hope that you can help someone else out through your own personal experience.

At some time in our life, we will grieve for some form of loss in our life. It can come in any form such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. How we react to that loss can impact of life for years to come in either a positive way or negative. Ask yourself one question, would God approve of my grief process?

It is not as simple as that! I know and I speak from experience. On June 6, 1990, I was 20 years old when my father died. It was just 39 days before my 21st birthday but more importantly, 3 days before my younger brother was to graduate from high school. Decision time: grieve in sorrow or step up and be a man and do what needs to be done.  

In 1990, I did not know any better.  I had to step into a role that I was not ready for or at least I did not think I was ready for. I knew my mother needed a support network around her to help her get through this time. I knew my brother, who was very vocal about not attending his high school graduation, needed friends around him to walk across that stage and receive his diploma. All I knew was it had to happen and I was going to do everything I can to make it happen. In that process, I shut down my grief process. I went into take charge and get it done mode!

A year after my dad’s death, I moved away from Florida and back to Connecticut where I was born. Things needed to change; I could not live in where I grew up. I hid from what I needed to face and that was I lost a loved one and I did not grieve that loss. And in the end it made it difficult for me to face June 6 and December 3. 

It wasn’t until after my wife and I started attending our current church that I faced this problem head on. It was during one of the church sermons that I heard one of the Pastors speaking about his father who was a famous announcer for NASCAR racing in the 1980’s. It was during this message that he told of the loss of his father and how to work through the grief process. It was a difficult message, that I could not sit entirely through but it was enough of a push for me to seek out some guidance. It led me to Grief Share at my church.

What I learned in that 13 week support group is that I am not alone. However, there is a right way and a wrong way to grieve. The right way is to seek God’s wisdom and guidance through this process.  Until I started this process, I was doing it the wrong way. It takes time to grieve and what I learned along the way is that I cannot shut out what God’s plan is for life in general. This is something to be learned during the grief process. That is easier said than done when you have lost someone that you love. In the end, I gained a new perspective and a new outlook on life in general.

One of the things I seem to always come back to on some of my posts on our family blog is something that I learned from the movie courageous.  For this post, I feel that this is appropriate:

"There needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."

As I move forward, I intend to reflect on each of my 13 weeks in the TCC Grief Share program. I hope and pray that my experience will help guide you through these tough times. You can also find additional information at the following link:

TCC Grief Share

John's Identity Statement

Recently my wife stepped out of her comfort zone and began posting on our family blog site with two posts in the same day. One of those blog posts she shared on proverbs 31 as part of her bible study. This morning, she showed me a blog post that I read from Mandisa which caught my attention and opened my mind to some of my inner demons so to speak. 

My biggest issue that I have battled over the years is the feeling of not being good enough and always beating myself up when I do not succeed.  When things do not go the way that I want, I shut myself down and throw my own little pity party about how my objective failed. I question myself and my abilities! Why can’t I have the success that everyone else has? What am I suppose to be doing with my life? These are all fairly simple questions, right? 

John, the loser that will not succeed.

John, the boy always picked last because you’re not good enough.

Here are some things about me that you need to know and how in some ways I have tried to make some changes in my life. First, I did not grow up going to church and had no spiritual life until I met my wife Catherine in 2006. And there is a funny thing about what men will do just to be with someone. I started going to church with Catherine and was baptized that same year.  I started to see a change in my life, slowly at first but it was gradual. I still fight the battle of pity parties but not as much as before I got involved with church. 

However, it was not until September of 2008 that I got a real wake up call. The guys at our church had gotten together for a movie night out and saw the movie Courageous. Talk about a slap in the face! I thought I had started getting things right in my life but I was far from it. I had made mistakes in my adult life that I know I am going to have to answer for. We all will when we are called “HOME”. What I realized is that I have to be that spiritual leader for my house. I have children that I can either allow to float through life like I did and have to learn about God and Jesus Christ, our Savior as an adult or I can get them involved now and teach them to love God. In the end, I said “I will” and I meant it. 

Shortly after that movie I started this blog as a way for me to reach out to other men in hopes that they will have the same resolve I have and that they will identify themselves as the Spiritual Leader in their home. My identity statement:

“As for me and my house, We will serve the Lord” –Joshua 24:15 

It is important for my children to grow up with a better spiritual background that I did. I already see it in all of my children, the older three are involved in their own church functions and my five year old sometimes begs me to let her say the “amen’s” instead of her daddy. And she immediately steps in when Daddy is not at home. I need them to love God more than anything else. As a father with four girls and one boy in the house it is that important because if they love God more than themselves, they will be in a better place than I was at their age. And they do not have to play catch up.

So the questions I asked earlier are really not that simple. Why can’t I have the success that everyone else has? To whose standards am I measuring myself? The only standard I should measure up to is Jesus Christ. That in itself is a hard standard to follow. Instead we should be doing everything to live our life as Christ-like as possible and remember that sin will always be knocking at our door. What am I supposed to be doing with my life? The better question should be, am I doing what God wants me to do? In the end, it is His plan for us and we have to accept it, whether we agree with it or not. 

John, the confident child of God (Ephesians 3:12)

John, the victorious child of God (Romans 8:37)

This song best identifies how I want to live my life and is the best influence on me:

Conformation

Romans 12:2 says “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

We all want to conform to what others want us to be. Had I read Romans 12:2 when I was still in high school, I may have stuck around and continued to be involved in the theater.  What I did do is respected my father’s wishes and gave it up. Where would I have been had I stuck with it? I have no clue. I guess I had two passions: Theater and law enforcement. And today I am thankful that I have a degree in Criminal Justice and work in a career field that allows me to have a law enforcement involvement while hoping to provide some valuable guidance to those that have made bad choices in their lives. I hope and pray that I can be that good influence that they truly need.